My nemesis, me.

Too often has my mom told me, in much harsher words, “You are just the laziest person I have ever seen”. I always brush it aside and say, Ok, I like it. But these days, too many people have been pointing out how I am too comfortable with what I have. Be it professionally or in the personal aspects, I have always been very fond of familiarity. And lately, I am wondering if that is such a good thing.

For far too long, I have always wanted to be around things/people that know me, and that I know well. And this has been possible because I have stuck to the same job for 4 years now. Just one job out of college, and 4 years on, still pretty much the same faces around. The same office building, the same route to-from office, the same cafeteria, the same color schemes around the work desk. And for the past year or so, even the same team to work with. Make no mistake, I am not complaining about my office. I love the place. I like the work. But how long is long enough? How much time spent in a job is enough? These are things that I did not think about a year back, but now I am. Simply because, probably, I need some change.

I have lived all my life in Mumbai. 25 years. Of which 22 I have spent in pretty much the same locality. 12 of which I have spent in the same house. I have never had to live out of my house, and I know people who have lived all their lives outside, for education or work, who keep telling me how lucky I am. But honestly, am I? I make no assumptions about how independent I am. I am not. I am too used to my mother’s cooking, and if put in a situation where I have to fend for myself, I will probably not fair too well initially. But, the issue is, I have never been put in the situation till now. So I won’t know. I might fail, I might learn, I might be miserable for a while, but I still need to try it. How? I have NO clue. How does one leave one’s own comfort zone and push oneself into the storm? I don’t know if I can, because I have never tried it.

Also, I am EXTREMELY lazy. To the extent that I won’t exercise to lose weight even though I know I have a knee injury that kind of makes it imperative to lose weight. I take up a lot of things and let them go. The enthusiasm fizzles out, and then I have no idea how to sustain the effort. There is barely any self-motivation right now. Probably because the stakes have never been high enough. And I have gotten along being average, because my average has been good enough. Don’t get me wrong, I am not boasting. I have no assumptions about how brilliant and out of this world extraordinary I am. But I have a knack for certain things, and I can get away with average effort, because even that produces good results. I don’t know how good will my full effort be. The only time I did put in everything I had, was in the 12^th Board exams, and I did fairly well then. Actually, I did very well. Surpassed all expectations by a healthy margin, and then some. So yes, I know I can do good things with what I have. I just don’t know HOW to get started on them. How to break this lethargy and get on with life.

Any pointers guys?

Red is green..

Long time. No excuse for not writing. I am lazy and I know it! Am trying to revive this and start writing more. Thanks to the people who have been reading lately (seems to be a few actually, surprised to say the least). I am going to try and post something every week, and get back to fiction writing. The most possibilities there, most room for imagination and if no one likes it you can just say they don't have the same imagination as you do. :D. Yes, us writers are egoists.

To begin, I wanted to write of a curious phenomena I come across everyday. Everyday!

My single most priced possession that I have worked to buy and maintain and love is my Bike. She is my baby. We have had conversations, she has stopped in the middle of the highway when I have neglected to talk to her for a few days. And I have had to go, "Come on darling, I am sorry. I neglected you, I am idiot" And then she forgives me and roars! So yes, I love her. First love. Was. Is. Will be.

I have had my baby for 3 years now. Clocked close to 23K kilo meters on it. And once you have rolled that much in Mumbai traffic, you become an extremely irritated man. By every idiot who decides to step on the road.

Let me paint you a picture. It is 11 PM. You have, admittedly, had a very long day in office. You get on your bike, turn the ignition, press the starter, and behold! That sound makes you smile. You get to the road and are gliding peacefully. You see a green signal at an erstwhile busy junction and say, wow, lucky me. Empty road, green signal. Let's power through. You see it now? Do you? Do you see the fatalistic mistake this innocent and naive rider is about to make? Do you see how he is about to trust the system and the sensibility of the human race? Do you see how he is about to be betrayed by the people he lives with.

Because, just as you slow down a bit at the traffic light, look to your left to make sure no one is about to break your gallop of freedom, a human being who does not deserve to be called one, jumps his light from your right, screeches past you at 60 km/h, while you are left with a split second to hit your brakes, pray that they hold, remember what it was like to be hugged the last time and pray it is not your last hug, think of what it would be like if you died here, alone, in the middle of the night, because some one who should have followed a simple rule did not. Your brakes hold. You are safe. You are shaken. You curse. You look around to berate the idiot who just killed you expecting to see him climb out and apologize, yet all you can admire are the tail lights of his speeding away vehicle. You cringe. You compose yourself. And then you wait. Because YOUR light just turned red. You wait, but no one else does. Everyone else jumps the light. You still wait though, because you know what it is like to be this close to death.

This is an actual account. It happened twice, in 1 month. Once with a car and once with a BEST bus, which unfortunately had to stop at the next station and the driver got an earful from me.

While we sit here and fume about how women in our country are not safe, look inside you. How many rules do you break every day. How many times do you say the one sentence that ought to become unspeakable; "Chalta hai yaar!" No, it is not OK. it is not OK to break a traffic light just because you are in a hurry and there is no one else crossing you. It is not OK to think it is OK to do this. It is this fundamental lack of sincerity which is doing what it is doing to our world today. Be sincere. Be fair. You decided to be born as a human being. Now follow the rules. Don't follow them because they are there. Follow them because if you don't, you lose the right to ask someone else why he didn't.

I now wait at every traffic light. It may be 2 AM on an empty junction. It may be 8 PM on a busy junction with every car behind me honking and every driver abusing me, sometimes loudly. But I wait. because I don't want to sleep tonight knowing I broke a rule that could have cost someone their life. Will you do the same?

The simplicity of the complication

For the past few months, whenever someone comes to me for advice, as I am listening to their problem, the first thought that comes to my mind is, "Why is this so complicated? Why is this person not able to understand that the only thing they need to do is strive to make life simpler?"

The answer, is that complications are simple. The way I see it, most people like to keep their lives in a mess because the simple truth is sometimes too much to handle. Also, it is easier to do what your brain says than what your heart is thumping out to you. Admit it, we have all done the easier thing in a choice situation at least once. I have. And it has been short term gain but in the long run, it has always come back to bite me.

So my solution to my own problems? Do what you think is tougher to do. Because that is usually the right thing to do. Lately, there have been some major issues to deal with. It is very easy to get emotional and cloud your judgement. Why wouldn't we be emotional? We are human after all. But emotions don't always help. They NEVER help, is what I have concluded from my various, emm, bad decisions, shall we call them? The only thing that helps when you are emotional is to take a deep breath, think of anything but the situation, and wait for it to subside. Phone calls, emails, texts, any form of communication with the concerned person needs to be avoided, at all costs. A crying/yelling phone call has never done anyone any good.

I admit it, I have done all this in my past. I have sent numerous scathing messages/emails in the throes of anger/despair/jealousy and hurt people. And it is just not something I would do now. Hence, I shut down. In anger, it is always more prudent to take care of it yourself than unload it on others.

As they say, Happiness, when shared, grows. But then, so does Misery.

We need to LIVE life. Simply.

Black, Red and Silver

As the blood welled up into his throat and filled up his mouth, he slowly looked up at the girl he had loved so much for so long. Even before his expression changed from shock to pain he could see the hatred in her eyes. The same black of her eyes that had attracted him to her, the same black of her eyes that gave him so much comfort were full of malice and hatred.
The first time he saw her was when she joined his theatre club. Rohan came to Mumbai to study acting, his one and true passion. Naina waltzed into the auditorium, with a smile on her face that made the well lit theatre sparkle with delight, and his heart skipped a beat when he saw her eyes. So clear and black, and so full of life that he felt they were the source of all his oxygen. Those were the eyes that were going to keep him alive.
The pain seared in his stomach and the blood spilled out of his mouth, his knees seemed to buckle, he staggered forward and she backed away, not touching him. His vision blurred when he saw the ring on her finger, he looked up at her mouth curled with melancholy and his mind went back to that night.
Naina helped him grow into a confident, self assured and brilliant actor. She was there with him when he got offered his first movie role. She held and squeezed his hand when he signed on the dotted line. The opening night of his movie had been the happiest. After the premiere, when they were alone, he went down on one knee and asked her to be his wife. As he placed the ring on her shaking finger, her eyes were full of tears, and the joy in them warmed his heart. He knew this was the start of his life when she whispered in his ears, “You’re mine, Forever.”
Rohan was jolted back to reality as his knees gave way and he sunk to the ground, reaching out to her, helplessly, hoping that she would extend her hand and hold him one last time. He supported himself on the kitchen counter as one hand went to the wound. The blood had started to flow freely and he knew the cut was deep enough. The knife she was holding dangled in front of his face and he saw the red drip from the silver of the blade. He knew that he was going to die.
The fame and money kept him busy. The offers flew in and he became busier than he could imagine. He got to see lesser of her than he liked. They both hated it, she more than him. As the paparazzi grew more adamant and the scandals grew more wild, she seemed to lose faith in him. When they were apart, he felt they were drifting away and when they were together, he no longer felt the same assurance in her touch, did not see the same love in her eyes. They were always questioning, doubting, never understanding, and he hated it.
Her insecurity reached the tipping point when she started drinking and one night threatened a co-actor of his. She broke a bottle and waved it around madly, calling her names and threatening her to stay away from her fiancé. Embarrassed, he apologized and carried her home. He left her at her house and resolved to talk to her the next day when she would be back to her senses. He knew he had to convince her that she was the only one for him.
The following morning, he messaged her to come over to his place for dinner. He knew he would win her back. He let her in and walked over to the refrigerator to get her a drink, when he suddenly sensed her behind him. He knew something was amiss when he turned and glanced over at the door. She had bolted it. He looked at her questioningly but immediately knew she was not in her senses. Her eyes were the darkest black he had ever seen them. And she had a cold sense of purpose in them. She was right in front of him and before he had time to react, she had withdrawn the dagger and sunk it into his abdomen.
He fell and as the darkness grew in front of his eyes, he looked at her one last time and saw the eyes he had loved so much, they were alight with pleasure, and when she spoke her voice broke his heart before it stopped beating. “If you’re not mine, you’re no one else’s either”. He descended into the darkness he knew was final.

My Ruler Scales

Year and a half. That is how long it has been since I bothered to write even a word here. Pathetic blogging. SO not proud of myself. Truth is, I have begun, on various occasions, to write something heartfelt. Well, heartfelt is the only way I know how to write. I guess it is true of every person who has ever written a word , if you don't feel it, you can't put it into words. Unfortunately, have been keeping a lot of feelings locked up somewhere, hence was never able to complete a single post.
Even today, I have no idea if this will be posted. So if it will be, good for me!!!
What is this post about? Well, about quite easily the most valuable and important assets of anyone's life, my Friends.
It sometimes takes a significant life event, tragedy, achievement or epiphany to truly sift out the best of friends who deserve a place in your life. And the sifting out is more precise in times of distress than happiness. Funny how the human psych works. :)
So I have had a few moments of distress in life over the past few months, nothing quite dramatic or heart wrenching, just a few health issues which landed me in the hospital, with tubes in my arms and pathetic chemicals in my system, a couple of times. And the funny thing is, they were the most awesome days. Don't get me wrong, I was worried as shit for my health, but I had my amazing family (they ALWAYS come first, no matter WHAT anyone does for you) and a set of friends who REFUSED to leave me alone for even a second. Oh how you love it when someone tells you, "I am sorry I have to leave you and go home, I wish I could just stay with you in the hospital".
This post is not a thank you to any one of them. God knows I can not even begin to thank any of my friends for what they do, this is just an acknowledgement of what they mean to me. Following are just some of the people who have been there with me, through some of the most torrid times and also the best, who share every happiness with me as if they could feel it too, who celebrate every achievement with me as if it was their own, and who make every moment of desperation and sadness go away just by being who they are.

Deepak, My brother: For a good part of our lives, we have disagreed on almost everything we have thought of. I am glad that now, finally, we agree on one thing, that we mean a lot to each other. I know it took you going to UK for me to realize that you mean everything to me. Hopefully our relationship will become stronger as time goes by. And hopefully, I will be able to fulfill all the promises I have ever made to you. Thank you for being the most amazing elder brother I could have ever wanted.

Aneesha: Every moment since you have entered our lives, we have been thankful for all that you have given us. For me, you are the most AMAZING member of my family yet, because you have brought us all much closer than we could have ever imagined. I know you will pamper me someday as your younger brother, for now, I am content with just having those super awesome debates we have. :)

Vishal Nakate: This is one guy who has a heart made of GOLD, pure solid 24 Karat GOLD!!! He will do ANYTHING for you. He will be the friend who will be so possessive about you that you feel you don't NEED another friend in life if you have him. I remember the hug you gave me on New Year's eve this year, it communicated each and every moment of care you have ever felt for me. I need to thank some moment of fate that landed us together dude. Because you have made life so much more practical. I know that you think more practically than most people I have, and it is this practicality that has made me a big fan of yours dude!!!Love you a lot!!!

Anita Kanoje: Listed as my daughter on FB (:P), she is one person who is LIKE me. Almost a female version of me, with possibly less nakhras :P. We became friends only after college, and I pity myself for having lost out on years of some amazing friendship. You have been my sounding board for every wayward thought that has ever come to mind, only because you understand most of them before they are formed even in MY head. No week is fulfilling without a visit to Aromas and some gossip and philosophical bullshit with you. :)

Dallas Dias: You remain the only guy in my life who is possibly more emotional than I am, and that is a VERY tough emotional quotient to beat my friend. I have lost count of the number of times we have discussed the same things again and again and come to the same conclusions every time. I know our choices don't match (Well up until lately at least!!!) in most respects, but we are pretty much the same in the way we think and live. Thanks man. Without you, office would have been a depressingly horrid place to go to 5 times a week. I promise I will teach you how to bike before Goa :P

Pranay Karwa: You remain the Antithesis to me, even 2 years after college, we still have the same talks, maybe about different people now. I know if some of our chats were leaked, people could sue us for defamation :P Listening to your HYPERBOLES always makes me wonder what if I was like you :P. Nah, as you can imagine, we both can't imagine me doing what you do :P Thanks for everything man, some of the dialogues we had late into the night will remain the best talks about love, life and friendship (not to forget girls) I have had the privilege of being a part of.

No, I have not FORGOTTEN you Shweta Shukla , I have just kept you for the finale. As the person who deserves a whole post to herself, you can wait a while to read good things about you. As I maintain, someone up there is REALLY REALLY happy with me for having given me the pleasure and privilege of having you as a friend. Just being friends with you would have been enough payment for all the good deeds I have ever done, but No, God is kind, and we have been best friends for a long while now. It is your strength and friendship that has kept me intact in these tough times, your messages and love that give me the strength to face anything without dreading the worst, and also your wisdom in the unlikeliest of times that makes pain bearable. Thank you Baa, for being the most amazing human being to have ever been in my life. Calling you an angel is still stereotyping what you mean to me and limiting your purpose in my life. I think you give being friends a whole different meaning, when you live every moment for others, the purity of smile that you have is what you get. Cannot say this enough to you, Love you baa.

I know this is a LONG post, it has been a part of my head for a while, feels good to get it out finally. Maybe I have missed out on a few people here, maybe they will be part of another post some other day. For now, these are the people that are making this human birth worth fighting for. Thank you All. Can't love you enough. You are the measures of my life.

Sometimes, all it needs is a dance and a shower

For a long time now, I have been sulking. I have been sulking for absolutely no reason. Life just got a little mundane and I did not like that. Oh who am I kidding, life got TOTALLY mundane. All I did everyday was exactly what I did the last day. Life felt like this merry go round that just kept on going round and round, one day at a time. And I was stuck somewhere on the edge of it hanging on by my fingertips. The worst part was, it was no fun. For a long time I contemplated giving up and just letting my fingers go. God knows that would have been a disaster. I am not really a flyer. Would have landed on my ass, and hurt bad.

As I was going round and round, thankfully the one thing that was good was it got very mechanical. I did not really have to pay too much attention to what I was doing. So I had my mind free to think about other things. And as always, I never let an opportunity to think go. As happens in a lot of movies and novels and fictional stories, the brightest epiphanies happen when you are least expecting them. I realized the true nature of a lot of people around me. Understood the importance of a few people and the sheer uselessness of others. I call a few RELATIONSHIPS useless, not the people. There is a world of a difference between the two. And because I realized that some of the relationships were not helping me, in fact, they seemed more like burdens than pillars, I let those go. Not in my heart, but in my mind definitely. I have stopped thinking about a lot of people that I would normally be obsessed about. And trust me there is no other freedom to match it. TRUST ME.
Alas, in spite of breaking these bonds, I didn’t feel “Happy”. I know I know, I have always held the belief that happiness stems from within, from that special place somewhere inside you that we all call the Self. The only problem was, my “Self” had kind of gotten buried under a few dusty covers. It got lost in the folds of a few miserable times I had allowed to creep into my system and settle there. All I needed to do, was shake up my Self and wash off the dirt. Then, it would be back to its natural “Self” (OK I know I have used the word enough…:P)

The SHAKE UP happened at the Employee Appreciation Dinner (a.k.a free dinner and dance party) hosted by my company, Deloitte Consulting, couple of weeks ago. Now I am not really a dancer. Correction, I am NOT a dancer. I rarely dance at public events (Alone at my house is a different matter). But this was one of those days when I just FELT it. I just wanted to dance. And I did. It felt amazing..no…that didn’t do justice..it felt AMAZING!!!!! One of the best parties of my life ever. I went home utterly exhausted after more than 2 hours of dancing. But it felt Nice…The resurrection had begun..
The WASH happened in the first rains that hit Mumbai sometime back. Let me tell you, there is no feeling like standing in the rain getting totally drenched. There is nothing like closing your eyes, turning your head heavenwards, and feeling the rain splatter your face clean. One of those rare moments when you feel so connected to Nature that you can HEAR it. It was truly a magical moment. It made me realize that I have been cribbing about nothing. There is too much in this world to be thankful for. Too much to like and love. Too much to live for. Letting go was not an option. And it will never be.

Another amazing day was the IMPACT day, our global community service day. I visited the Hellen Keller institute for Deaf and Deaf Blind people. Met some of the most courageous and lively people in my life. It is amazing how they just open up their hearts, drop all inhibitions, and make you feel like you are one of them. I realized that often I complaint about the most trivial of things. I crib about some of the most insignificant details in life that make absolutely no difference to those people. And yet they live life with full aplomb. How? Well I don’t know. They probably know what life is better than I ever will. Thankfully they showed me at least some part of their lives, which put mine into some rather harsh perspective.

As a result of these events, I can safely and confidently say I am HAPPY! Not a happiness born out of certain events or people. Not a happiness because of what someone said or did. But a happiness out of just being here, right now. A happiness out of the full realization that I have a life to live. That I have an opportunity to live in a world where there are people who love me, people who I thought loved me but don’t, people who I will never ever meet but still they make a difference in my life, and above all people whose lives I have the opportunity to make a difference to. I realized, that sometimes to open your eyes, all you need to do is shake your feet and dance a little, all you need is to stand in the rain, drop all inhibitions, drop all care, and just be. Sometimes, all it needs is a dance and a shower…

A Valediction

For the past few days, i have been thinking a lot about some of the people whom I have bid adieu to over the past few years or earlier. Why? Well because I am like that. I THINK about stuff. I analyze what has happened in my life, the events and their effects, my reactions to them. And I learn from them. I am always interested in what happens in my life. It just makes it that much more fun to LIVE it!!!
Coming back, so as I said, I was thinking a lot about some of the people who I have said goodbye to. I won’t say I have lost them, because I truly believe I haven’t. At least some of them. Some of those goodbyes have hurt. Some have made me realize that I never had that person in my life in the first place, hence the goodbye isn’t going to hurt anyways. Some have made me realize the strength of my bond with them, and instilled the faith in me that I will carry those relationships for a long time in my heart and in my life.
One of the first ones I want to talk about, is from the second category listed above. It’s about my Dad. I have never really spoken about him in a public place like this, except for once a long time ago. For some reason, it has just not been worth it. And I won’t mention much about him here. So I lost him about 9 years ago. He died of a third heart attack. Ironically, he was a doctor but a chain smoker (yeah, some people really know how to overlook the reality). Of course, we (my mom, my bro and me) did not live with him at the time, having separated long back. This is why, I never really had a father. Hence, the loss wasn’t so astounding as well. All that changed was that one of the people responsible for me being on this planet was no more here.
I know some of you might think I m being pretty cold about this. But trust me, I never knew the guy. That loss never affected me because I never really felt it. So it wasn’t a big deal, and still isn’t. Over time, I have lost the bitterness I had for him and it has made it easier to just accept it and move on with life.
But some goodbyes are not as easy. One of the hardest things I have had to do was say goodbye to my cousin, Meenu Didi, who died of cancer a few years ago. I wrote a long post about her. Find it here.
As I realized later, I did not have the courage to say goodbye to her. So I never really went to do it. I just knew I would not have the strength. I still sit and think sometimes that I probably should have. She would have liked it. I am sorry for that. Will always regret that decision. As I have mentioned in the earlier post about her, she taught me that you have to be courageous, even when you know what is in store for you. She had the courage to face her unavoidable destiny, and she prepared herself and her family for that. Unlike so many others who lament about it and make it miserable for themselves and others. This absolutely does not mean I don’t admire those people. God only knows how I will behave if I come to know I am about to die (Shudders….)
The third goodbye, was agonizingly painful, it broke my heart when it happened. But I am living with it now. And it has made me stronger and it has turned out to be quite a good thing. I am talking here about my best friend and probably THE bestest friend in the whole world, Mona Chitnis going to STUPID GaTech to do her STUPID MS. (Sorry for the stupids…cudnt resist :P).



Mo (as I call her) and I became friends in college in the 2nd year. We came together in the unlikeliest of ways and became best friends before we could even realize it. I love this thing called fate, it makes u smile at its strangeness, even if that strangeness brings you sorrow. Amazing thing it is.
Mo and I are totally different. In quite possibly every way we think differently. And we have fierce arguments over many things. One thing that is common is that we both have short tempers. And we cannot go 2 weeks without fighting and swearing at each other, and swearing to our friends that we will never talk to each other EVER AGAIN, but coming back to our senses and talking as if nothing ever happened in a couple of days. It is just one of those friendships that has stood the test of time, and some bad arguments.
Saying goodbye to her was a nightmare. It was like having to part form one of the most important parts of my life. I distinctly remember the days leading up to her departure. We met up twice before she shipped off to distant lands. Both those times, we could both see just how sad we were to say goodbye. At the airport, I was studiously avoiding her because I knew it would have been too much to bear. So I just hugged her as she went in, we all stood out waiting for her to turn back once and give us a cute, sad little smile that I love, and go in. But alas, she knows how to make and anti-climax. She didn’t even look back once. IDIOT!!!!
As I sat in the auto to get back home, I think I cried for at least 20 straight minutes. It just hurt too damn much. Why? Well because that is what we are for each other. Rock solid pillars in times of need. A dose of some really idiotic jokes that can make us crack up when we are sad. A dairy milk when we are least expecting it. That is what we are. And I was going to miss that. Or so I thought.
What has her goodbye taught me? That not all goodbyes are final. Not all are bad. Some DO bring you closer. Some goodbyes do make you realize just how much that person meant to you. And they also make you understand that it was your destiny that brought you together with some people. It was NEVER in your hands to control your life anyways. Might as well enjoy the best of it and learn from the worst of it.
It has been 8 months now since she went away. And yes things have changed. We do not talk as often as we used to. I have seen her only once, through video chat. Both of us have gotten busy with our lives. And yet, a lot of things are the same. We still fight at least once a month. We still swear to not talk to each other and then make up in a few days. We still keep aside what we are doing when the other person is really down and needs cheering up, and we both manage to cheer each other up with the silliest of things (I LIKEY!!!!hehe….) Sure, I wish she wouldn’t have gone so far. But it was a choice she made which I respect. And now we are both living with it.
At the end, I just want to say that a goodbye doesn’t necessarily have to be bad. But it is also not always good. What matters, is the faith that you have in yourself and your relationship. You can ALWAYS salvage something from every valediction.
I want to end this with someone else’s words on similar lines.
Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetime, is certain for those who are friends. ~Richard Bach

P.S. I know this was a lot more philosophical and longer than anything I have written before. But it felt good to write this. I hope you felt good to read it too.