Today's blog is gonna be a lot senti...so if u really don't wanna read it would be a good idea to stop here itself...but if u do wanna read its about one of the most important people in my life..
OK for the first time i don't really know how to start this one...have been sitting here watching the screen for like 5 minutes unable to even start writing..
OK here goes..
this post is about my cousin...my eldest maternal aunt's daughter...her name...and this one i m NOT kidding about is MEENU...yeah...we north indians have weird names for our kids...its a great way of torturing them for their entire life you know...
Now meenu didi was one hell of a person...and i mean ONE HELL OF A PERSON....you know there are these few people in your life who just seem like the MOST amazing human being alive...well add to that that i completely loved her and you would know what i am talking about..
She was someone who could make you laugh anytime of the day...EXTREMELY beautiful...she had this radiance about her you know...the kinda thing that puts you in reverence of people...i guess that radiance was just a reflection of the happiness she felt inside..
As a girl she used to get everything she wanted you know...i mean she had 2 brothers who could die or kill for her...but that doesnt mean she was a spoilt brat or anything...was one of the most down to earth people...caring loving selfless....i mean...she just had it all...
But its kinda funny...how when things start going wrong they kinda shatter away that perfect image of the family and just wrench your life out of your grasp...don't they...
Her dad got murdered right outside their house....her mom got pretty mad after it and kinda lost the will to live...she passed away a few years ago as well...
So wat was once one of the most happy families i have ever seen turned into quite the distraught bunch..all that was left was the two brothers and a sister...and their families..
Meenu didi had gotten married in 1993...she was damn happy in her marriage too...had 2 kids...a guy and a girl...
Well i know this is sounding like a hindi movie of sorts...but i long ago realized life is like this only....it has some major ups and downs and some pretty huge defining moments as well..
i think some 5 years ago didi was diagnosed with breast cancer...she came to mumbai and got it removed...went through the painful and kinda soul draining process of chemotherapy and all that jazz...
but unfortunately...die to some medical lapse or something...the cancer still spread to her lung...so she had to undergo another chemotherapy...again the same process where you know that the thing that is killing you is running through your very veins..,.and the worst part is you are voluntarily getting it injected there...
i remember i had written her a letter in between somewhere....saying didi i know u must be pretty sad and thinking about y did this happen to me...but the point is this has happened and you really can go only forward...all you can do is think of how to live with this...so please keep up your spirit...i dont want to see that flagging (yes...i can talk a lot older than my age sometimes)
the paradox in all this is...that it didn't work...after 2 or 3 painful chemotherapies and hair re growths later...the doctors gave up on her...she was too far gone to be helped....she HAD TO die...
well ok...i know everyone HAS TO die someday...but how would you feel if the doctor sitting across from you said sorry dear...you got a maximum of one year to live...i mean...i always imagine what i would do...how i would react if this happened to me...and it creeps me the hell out man...i just dont wanna know WHEN i am going to die....i dont think i would be able to live till then also if i knew....
well coming back...so she was given about a year to live...and it was made pretty clear that she wouldnt be able to make it beyond that...somehow i never had the courage to ask her what she was feeling...i mean how do u ask it..."hey didi..how does it feel to know you r gonna die???and what do u think is gonna happen to ur 8 year old kids"????
she once told my mom over the phone that i want to make it as easy for my family as possible...she used to arrange things in her house and leave notes on top of everything saying this is placed here...so that her family wudnt have trouble finding things after she is gone..i remember my heart getting wrenched into a million pieces when i heard this...but it just showed what exemplary courage she had...i mean..she was practically preparing for her own death...
i met her once when i had gone to mathura...in between her chemotherapies..the thing that i saw instantly was she had lost her radiance...that glow in her eyes was just not there anymore...it was the saddest part about everything...almost as if when the doctors were operating on her along with the tumours they removed from her soul that centre that brings out all the happiness...her eyes seemed so damn hollow...and full of sadness...
her brothers tried everything in desperation...somehow to squeeze out a few more years of life from her...till her kids would be old enough to take care of themselves...but are kids ever really old enough to be ok with losing their mothers???
last may starting we got a call saying she was in critical condition...i guess everyone knew the time had come..my mom and another maasi were going from here to meet her...and my mom wanted me to go...coz we were pretty close...but i made some excuse about not wanting to go and dint go..
the truth is..i was scared..i was scared i wont be able to see her go..i just dint have the courage to watch one of the people that i loved the most just deteriorating away....
on may 15th last year..she passed away...i got the news about 10 o'clock in morning...and i dint really believe it for a day or two..i mean..i just dint wanna accept it man...it was too much i guess...
when my mom came back a few days ago...she said that didi told her that she dint wanna die...she just wanted to live a few more years..
i still cant believe its been a year since she has gone...i mean...life really just moves on doesn't it..
this is for u didi....for the spirit that lived inside of you...for the spirit that left us all to grieve...
this is for YOU didi...and the happiness that you showered on us..before making us cry...
I hope you are happy didi...
from your "IK CUP CHAAI"
love.
P.S: i am really sorry if this was too long or too emotional...i just had to put this down...and as the name of the blog goes..its insights into my thoughts...so they have to be long...don't they...
