Coming back, so as I said, I was thinking a lot about some of the people who I have said goodbye to. I won’t say I have lost them, because I truly believe I haven’t. At least some of them. Some of those goodbyes have hurt. Some have made me realize that I never had that person in my life in the first place, hence the goodbye isn’t going to hurt anyways. Some have made me realize the strength of my bond with them, and instilled the faith in me that I will carry those relationships for a long time in my heart and in my life.
One of the first ones I want to talk about, is from the second category listed above. It’s about my Dad. I have never really spoken about him in a public place like this, except for once a long time ago. For some reason, it has just not been worth it. And I won’t mention much about him here. So I lost him about 9 years ago. He died of a third heart attack. Ironically, he was a doctor but a chain smoker (yeah, some people really know how to overlook the reality). Of course, we (my mom, my bro and me) did not live with him at the time, having separated long back. This is why, I never really had a father. Hence, the loss wasn’t so astounding as well. All that changed was that one of the people responsible for me being on this planet was no more here.
I know some of you might think I m being pretty cold about this. But trust me, I never knew the guy. That loss never affected me because I never really felt it. So it wasn’t a big deal, and still isn’t. Over time, I have lost the bitterness I had for him and it has made it easier to just accept it and move on with life.
But some goodbyes are not as easy. One of the hardest things I have had to do was say goodbye to my cousin, Meenu Didi, who died of cancer a few years ago. I wrote a long post about her. Find it here.
As I realized later, I did not have the courage to say goodbye to her. So I never really went to do it. I just knew I would not have the strength. I still sit and think sometimes that I probably should have. She would have liked it. I am sorry for that. Will always regret that decision. As I have mentioned in the earlier post about her, she taught me that you have to be courageous, even when you know what is in store for you. She had the courage to face her unavoidable destiny, and she prepared herself and her family for that. Unlike so many others who lament about it and make it miserable for themselves and others. This absolutely does not mean I don’t admire those people. God only knows how I will behave if I come to know I am about to die (Shudders….)
The third goodbye, was agonizingly painful, it broke my heart when it happened. But I am living with it now. And it has made me stronger and it has turned out to be quite a good thing. I am talking here about my best friend and probably THE bestest friend in the whole world, Mona Chitnis going to STUPID GaTech to do her STUPID MS. (Sorry for the stupids…cudnt resist :P).
Mo (as I call her) and I became friends in college in the 2nd year. We came together in the unlikeliest of ways and became best friends before we could even realize it. I love this thing called fate, it makes u smile at its strangeness, even if that strangeness brings you sorrow. Amazing thing it is.
Mo and I are totally different. In quite possibly every way we think differently. And we have fierce arguments over many things. One thing that is common is that we both have short tempers. And we cannot go 2 weeks without fighting and swearing at each other, and swearing to our friends that we will never talk to each other EVER AGAIN, but coming back to our senses and talking as if nothing ever happened in a couple of days. It is just one of those friendships that has stood the test of time, and some bad arguments.
Saying goodbye to her was a nightmare. It was like having to part form one of the most important parts of my life. I distinctly remember the days leading up to her departure. We met up twice before she shipped off to distant lands. Both those times, we could both see just how sad we were to say goodbye. At the airport, I was studiously avoiding her because I knew it would have been too much to bear. So I just hugged her as she went in, we all stood out waiting for her to turn back once and give us a cute, sad little smile that I love, and go in. But alas, she knows how to make and anti-climax. She didn’t even look back once. IDIOT!!!!
As I sat in the auto to get back home, I think I cried for at least 20 straight minutes. It just hurt too damn much. Why? Well because that is what we are for each other. Rock solid pillars in times of need. A dose of some really idiotic jokes that can make us crack up when we are sad. A dairy milk when we are least expecting it. That is what we are. And I was going to miss that. Or so I thought.
What has her goodbye taught me? That not all goodbyes are final. Not all are bad. Some DO bring you closer. Some goodbyes do make you realize just how much that person meant to you. And they also make you understand that it was your destiny that brought you together with some people. It was NEVER in your hands to control your life anyways. Might as well enjoy the best of it and learn from the worst of it.
It has been 8 months now since she went away. And yes things have changed. We do not talk as often as we used to. I have seen her only once, through video chat. Both of us have gotten busy with our lives. And yet, a lot of things are the same. We still fight at least once a month. We still swear to not talk to each other and then make up in a few days. We still keep aside what we are doing when the other person is really down and needs cheering up, and we both manage to cheer each other up with the silliest of things (I LIKEY!!!!hehe….) Sure, I wish she wouldn’t have gone so far. But it was a choice she made which I respect. And now we are both living with it.
At the end, I just want to say that a goodbye doesn’t necessarily have to be bad. But it is also not always good. What matters, is the faith that you have in yourself and your relationship. You can ALWAYS salvage something from every valediction.
I want to end this with someone else’s words on similar lines.
Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetime, is certain for those who are friends. ~Richard Bach
P.S. I know this was a lot more philosophical and longer than anything I have written before. But it felt good to write this. I hope you felt good to read it too.
