Sometimes, all it needs is a dance and a shower

For a long time now, I have been sulking. I have been sulking for absolutely no reason. Life just got a little mundane and I did not like that. Oh who am I kidding, life got TOTALLY mundane. All I did everyday was exactly what I did the last day. Life felt like this merry go round that just kept on going round and round, one day at a time. And I was stuck somewhere on the edge of it hanging on by my fingertips. The worst part was, it was no fun. For a long time I contemplated giving up and just letting my fingers go. God knows that would have been a disaster. I am not really a flyer. Would have landed on my ass, and hurt bad.

As I was going round and round, thankfully the one thing that was good was it got very mechanical. I did not really have to pay too much attention to what I was doing. So I had my mind free to think about other things. And as always, I never let an opportunity to think go. As happens in a lot of movies and novels and fictional stories, the brightest epiphanies happen when you are least expecting them. I realized the true nature of a lot of people around me. Understood the importance of a few people and the sheer uselessness of others. I call a few RELATIONSHIPS useless, not the people. There is a world of a difference between the two. And because I realized that some of the relationships were not helping me, in fact, they seemed more like burdens than pillars, I let those go. Not in my heart, but in my mind definitely. I have stopped thinking about a lot of people that I would normally be obsessed about. And trust me there is no other freedom to match it. TRUST ME.
Alas, in spite of breaking these bonds, I didn’t feel “Happy”. I know I know, I have always held the belief that happiness stems from within, from that special place somewhere inside you that we all call the Self. The only problem was, my “Self” had kind of gotten buried under a few dusty covers. It got lost in the folds of a few miserable times I had allowed to creep into my system and settle there. All I needed to do, was shake up my Self and wash off the dirt. Then, it would be back to its natural “Self” (OK I know I have used the word enough…:P)

The SHAKE UP happened at the Employee Appreciation Dinner (a.k.a free dinner and dance party) hosted by my company, Deloitte Consulting, couple of weeks ago. Now I am not really a dancer. Correction, I am NOT a dancer. I rarely dance at public events (Alone at my house is a different matter). But this was one of those days when I just FELT it. I just wanted to dance. And I did. It felt amazing..no…that didn’t do justice..it felt AMAZING!!!!! One of the best parties of my life ever. I went home utterly exhausted after more than 2 hours of dancing. But it felt Nice…The resurrection had begun..
The WASH happened in the first rains that hit Mumbai sometime back. Let me tell you, there is no feeling like standing in the rain getting totally drenched. There is nothing like closing your eyes, turning your head heavenwards, and feeling the rain splatter your face clean. One of those rare moments when you feel so connected to Nature that you can HEAR it. It was truly a magical moment. It made me realize that I have been cribbing about nothing. There is too much in this world to be thankful for. Too much to like and love. Too much to live for. Letting go was not an option. And it will never be.

Another amazing day was the IMPACT day, our global community service day. I visited the Hellen Keller institute for Deaf and Deaf Blind people. Met some of the most courageous and lively people in my life. It is amazing how they just open up their hearts, drop all inhibitions, and make you feel like you are one of them. I realized that often I complaint about the most trivial of things. I crib about some of the most insignificant details in life that make absolutely no difference to those people. And yet they live life with full aplomb. How? Well I don’t know. They probably know what life is better than I ever will. Thankfully they showed me at least some part of their lives, which put mine into some rather harsh perspective.

As a result of these events, I can safely and confidently say I am HAPPY! Not a happiness born out of certain events or people. Not a happiness because of what someone said or did. But a happiness out of just being here, right now. A happiness out of the full realization that I have a life to live. That I have an opportunity to live in a world where there are people who love me, people who I thought loved me but don’t, people who I will never ever meet but still they make a difference in my life, and above all people whose lives I have the opportunity to make a difference to. I realized, that sometimes to open your eyes, all you need to do is shake your feet and dance a little, all you need is to stand in the rain, drop all inhibitions, drop all care, and just be. Sometimes, all it needs is a dance and a shower…

A Valediction

For the past few days, i have been thinking a lot about some of the people whom I have bid adieu to over the past few years or earlier. Why? Well because I am like that. I THINK about stuff. I analyze what has happened in my life, the events and their effects, my reactions to them. And I learn from them. I am always interested in what happens in my life. It just makes it that much more fun to LIVE it!!!
Coming back, so as I said, I was thinking a lot about some of the people who I have said goodbye to. I won’t say I have lost them, because I truly believe I haven’t. At least some of them. Some of those goodbyes have hurt. Some have made me realize that I never had that person in my life in the first place, hence the goodbye isn’t going to hurt anyways. Some have made me realize the strength of my bond with them, and instilled the faith in me that I will carry those relationships for a long time in my heart and in my life.
One of the first ones I want to talk about, is from the second category listed above. It’s about my Dad. I have never really spoken about him in a public place like this, except for once a long time ago. For some reason, it has just not been worth it. And I won’t mention much about him here. So I lost him about 9 years ago. He died of a third heart attack. Ironically, he was a doctor but a chain smoker (yeah, some people really know how to overlook the reality). Of course, we (my mom, my bro and me) did not live with him at the time, having separated long back. This is why, I never really had a father. Hence, the loss wasn’t so astounding as well. All that changed was that one of the people responsible for me being on this planet was no more here.
I know some of you might think I m being pretty cold about this. But trust me, I never knew the guy. That loss never affected me because I never really felt it. So it wasn’t a big deal, and still isn’t. Over time, I have lost the bitterness I had for him and it has made it easier to just accept it and move on with life.
But some goodbyes are not as easy. One of the hardest things I have had to do was say goodbye to my cousin, Meenu Didi, who died of cancer a few years ago. I wrote a long post about her. Find it here.
As I realized later, I did not have the courage to say goodbye to her. So I never really went to do it. I just knew I would not have the strength. I still sit and think sometimes that I probably should have. She would have liked it. I am sorry for that. Will always regret that decision. As I have mentioned in the earlier post about her, she taught me that you have to be courageous, even when you know what is in store for you. She had the courage to face her unavoidable destiny, and she prepared herself and her family for that. Unlike so many others who lament about it and make it miserable for themselves and others. This absolutely does not mean I don’t admire those people. God only knows how I will behave if I come to know I am about to die (Shudders….)
The third goodbye, was agonizingly painful, it broke my heart when it happened. But I am living with it now. And it has made me stronger and it has turned out to be quite a good thing. I am talking here about my best friend and probably THE bestest friend in the whole world, Mona Chitnis going to STUPID GaTech to do her STUPID MS. (Sorry for the stupids…cudnt resist :P).



Mo (as I call her) and I became friends in college in the 2nd year. We came together in the unlikeliest of ways and became best friends before we could even realize it. I love this thing called fate, it makes u smile at its strangeness, even if that strangeness brings you sorrow. Amazing thing it is.
Mo and I are totally different. In quite possibly every way we think differently. And we have fierce arguments over many things. One thing that is common is that we both have short tempers. And we cannot go 2 weeks without fighting and swearing at each other, and swearing to our friends that we will never talk to each other EVER AGAIN, but coming back to our senses and talking as if nothing ever happened in a couple of days. It is just one of those friendships that has stood the test of time, and some bad arguments.
Saying goodbye to her was a nightmare. It was like having to part form one of the most important parts of my life. I distinctly remember the days leading up to her departure. We met up twice before she shipped off to distant lands. Both those times, we could both see just how sad we were to say goodbye. At the airport, I was studiously avoiding her because I knew it would have been too much to bear. So I just hugged her as she went in, we all stood out waiting for her to turn back once and give us a cute, sad little smile that I love, and go in. But alas, she knows how to make and anti-climax. She didn’t even look back once. IDIOT!!!!
As I sat in the auto to get back home, I think I cried for at least 20 straight minutes. It just hurt too damn much. Why? Well because that is what we are for each other. Rock solid pillars in times of need. A dose of some really idiotic jokes that can make us crack up when we are sad. A dairy milk when we are least expecting it. That is what we are. And I was going to miss that. Or so I thought.
What has her goodbye taught me? That not all goodbyes are final. Not all are bad. Some DO bring you closer. Some goodbyes do make you realize just how much that person meant to you. And they also make you understand that it was your destiny that brought you together with some people. It was NEVER in your hands to control your life anyways. Might as well enjoy the best of it and learn from the worst of it.
It has been 8 months now since she went away. And yes things have changed. We do not talk as often as we used to. I have seen her only once, through video chat. Both of us have gotten busy with our lives. And yet, a lot of things are the same. We still fight at least once a month. We still swear to not talk to each other and then make up in a few days. We still keep aside what we are doing when the other person is really down and needs cheering up, and we both manage to cheer each other up with the silliest of things (I LIKEY!!!!hehe….) Sure, I wish she wouldn’t have gone so far. But it was a choice she made which I respect. And now we are both living with it.
At the end, I just want to say that a goodbye doesn’t necessarily have to be bad. But it is also not always good. What matters, is the faith that you have in yourself and your relationship. You can ALWAYS salvage something from every valediction.
I want to end this with someone else’s words on similar lines.
Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetime, is certain for those who are friends. ~Richard Bach

P.S. I know this was a lot more philosophical and longer than anything I have written before. But it felt good to write this. I hope you felt good to read it too.

The Blue Window

My First real attempt at fiction...Hope you like it...

He had to remind himself to start breathing again. He felt his legs swaying and before they could give way, he had to steady himself on his old reading desk. He could not believe this was happening to him again. Correction, he did not want to believe this was happening to him again. It just could not be true. The Window was open again.
Fifteen years ago, for Akash, the world had been the cruelest place to live in. He had never been able to understand why he was put on this planet. Was it merely to survive a few years of torture form his parents? Only to outgrow his childhood and then survive a few years of alone, awkward, confusing adolescence? For a long time, he had resigned his life to the fate that awaited him.
When he was 23, he escaped from his childhood and his parents and settled in a suburb of Mumbai. He was working as a receptionist at a law firm. He had placed his reading desk below the solitary window in his one room apartment, which looked out to another building across the lane. The wall opposite his window had exactly one window. It was blue and worn out. And it had always remained closed since he moved in.
One day, he found it open. He wasn’t a peeper, but curiosity got the better of him and he pulled back his curtain to look. Standing inside the room, with her back to the window, was a girl. She was about 5’7” and had long, straight, jet black hair that reached her slender waist. She was busy unpacking a few boxes and arranging her things. Suddenly, she stiffened, and turned around to directly look into his eyes. She had sensed him watching her, and she had a perplexed look on her face. But he wasn’t looking at her face. He was looking into her eyes. Even from 6 feet away, he could clearly make out the dark blue of her eyes.
Suddenly, he thought as if the world had opened up for him. All he wanted to do was look into her eyes and not stop looking. He was holding his breath for a long time, and the dull ache in his lungs brought him back to reality and he took in a deep breath, almost a sigh. Only then did he notice that she was staring at him with the most inquisitive expression on her face. She had the hint of a smile on her lips, asking a question. He quickly lost his nerve and moved out of the window. He didn’t dare look out of the window all day. That night, his dreams were not sweaty nightmares; they were about blue skies, and oceans.
The next few days, she was all he could think about. And yet he never had the courage to go talk to her. He knew he was falling in love with her. He traveled with her every day to-fro work. He would steal quick glances at her but never when she was looking. He was happy to just look at her eyes, they still mesmerized him.
Just as miraculously as she had come into his life, she disappeared. He didn’t see her on the bus one day. When he got home, the window was shut. And for 2 days, it had remained closed. He asked around and found out she had moved out. She was getting married. He sat at his desk, staring into nothingness, mildly aware of the blue of the window in his vision. He started feeling the slow ache in his heart again. And then it hit him. The window had closed on him.
He had no way of searching for her. All he remembered of her was her sweet smile when she caught him looking at her, the dark, deep blue of her eyes, her hair falling around her face. He remembered the last time he had seen her on the bus, she seemed like she wanted to tell him something. He could make out that she was agitated. But she didn’t. Now he knew what she wanted to say. If only he had spoken to her.
Slowly, but amazingly he picked his life back up. He moved to another city and started another job. For years, he could not forget those eyes. But he learned to live with it.
Today, he had come back to his old apartment. Wishfully, he had looked out of the window. And there she was. Sitting at her desk and writing. She intuitively looked up and saw him. She looked different now, older and wiser. But her eyes were the same, deep blue. He looked into them and saw the smile in her eyes before he saw it on her lips.
The Blue Window had opened for him again.

P.S. Thanx to Annie for helping with the editing. :P..You are such a sweetheart!!!!

My Fond Memory!!!

So Valentine's Day huh??
Feels like any other day, when you are single. Actually...that is what i WANT TO believe. But it really isn’t so. This is one day that you cannot help but get nostalgic on. And nostalgia hits me hardest on 14th February only because of the awesome V day I spent 3 years ago. When I was in a relationship with someone.
Let me give some background here first. I was dating this girl at that time, i.e. on V day 2007. Let us call her BB. For more information about BB, please refer here.
On the eve of V day 2007, my gf calls me up and tells me I am NOT meeting you tomorrow, reason? I do not believe in Valentine’s Day. And it wasn’t a “I don’t believe in one day to celebrate love” kind of disbelief. It was a I DON’T BELIEVE IN VALENTINE’S DAY kind of disbelief. So I got pissed, understandably, and did not wish her.
The next afternoon, she calls me up and starts giggling. Now I am thinking she might be drunk. Then her friends started shouting, she is coming to meet youuuuu.. And I am wondering why. Though she did turn up to meet me. Looking cute as hell. We sat in the Dadar CCD for like 2 hours holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes. After which she told me she loved me, I told her I loved her, and we parted. (Yeah…I know what you are thinking..no MASALA here..hehe:P)
Well, as it turned out, it was our last date. We broke up 15 days after that. Why? Well this is supposed to be happy post. So let’s not get into that detail as of now.
For me, it was the first and last Valentine’s day I have ever celebrated. And probably the most memorable I will ever celebrate. Reason? Well she made me feel special. She surprised me, she dressed up for me. I gave her a red rose which she preserved for a long time in a book. (don’t know if she still has it)
Every V day since then, I think about her. Because it reminds me of one of the happiest times I spent with her. And every V day I think of wishing her or calling her but never get down to it somehow. Today, she sent me a greeting. It reads “For the one who gave me the courage to love with all of my heart, to the person who is like no other. Happy Valentine’s Day! Love and luck. BB.” And this just brought back all the memories of those wonderful nine months.
Do not get me wrong. I do not have feelings for her. Often many of my friends ask me how you feel about her now. I always say I still love her. And they give me ghastly expressions at that. But I realized today that it is true. But, I don’t love her in a I-want-her-back-in-my-life way. I love her in a way that she reminds me of one of the most important phases of my life. It is that love that keeps me connected to that time. I feel if I don’t love her, I will lose the memories of what we did, of what we had. I feel that I am absolutely over her. But yes, she still will always remain my first love. Not anything I can do about that. But I can hold on to those memories. Because they still give me comfort sometimes when I am down. The sound of her laughter still makes me smile. Her stupid jokes still crack me up whenever I remember them.
I am sitting here and wondering why am I writing this today. Guess I needed to. Again, not because I miss her, just because it is Valentine’s Day. And I couldn’t help but remember one of the awesomest dates I had 3 years ago.
So here’s wishing all of you a Happy Valentine’s Day. I am lucky enough to have a fond memory of one of these. I hope all of you are lucky enough too.

P.S. BB, if you read this, THANKS!!! For the message and for the awesome times. All the best in life!!!Sincerely!!